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Bridgette: Hello my ame is Bridgette Mongeon the host of the inspirational channel of spont on radio.com brought to you by God’s Word Collectible gift sculpture brought to you by www.godsword.net  Welcome to the generations podcast where three generations of Christian women will be sharing their thoughts about different issues and aspects of life. For the next couple of broadcast it will just be my mother and I, as Christina is on vacation I’m thrilled to introduce you to my co host, Mom are you with me?

Barbara: Yes, I am

Bridgette:  I’d like to start this podcast by saying that mother and I will be taking you on a journey unfortunately the journey is not a happy journey for an exciting journey for us We are taking you into the dark place

And alot of people who are listing to this podcast will ask where did these strong spiritual omen come from?  We were not just born strong spiritual women, thought I think we all had a calling on our lives.  
There were some trials and tribulations that we had to go through. And we would hope that by sharing these trials and tribulations with you by taking you through our dark laces That some new we will be reaching out to other women who are in dark places who may have some difficulties in their life. By our revealing and becoming vulnerable to our audience, that will assist other people and other women and reach down, and I think that is our point.

Reach down and I think that is our point, it doesn’t matter how deep your darkness is Gods hand is strong enough and long enough to reach where your darkness is we will be sharing some of our stories.

I think I would like to start if that is o.k. mom

Barbara: o.k.

Bridgette:  I have to go back as far as I can and my stories are always related to where I lived, because as a child we moved around quite a bit.  I start with My house on Christian street.  

My earliest memories are on that street. So if I were to say where my darkness started it would be that it crept in on Christiana street

I think we can both agree that it was one of our favorite places

Barbara: yes!

I loved that house, it was an old Victorian house, let me set the stage for you.

Barbara: It was my dream house.

Bridgette:  For me as a child living in an old Victorian home was absolutely fascinating. I have tremendous amount o good memories in that house.  I was the youngest of three children

I would creep down the stairs at night don’t know if you knew I did that, Mom.

Barbara: I don’t remember that.

Bridgette:  I would sit at the bottom of the stairs because

I was absolutely terrified,
I was one of those children that had night terrors.
I remember sitting at the bottom of those steps one night, and watching my mother for the first time.
I must have been 5 or six years old, watching my mother on the couch have an epileptic seizure. And thinking that my mother was dying.  I say that, and I start this because because in my past, mom I can’t really tell you the differences between you physical illness and things that happen to you, and your alcoholism and the other things that intertwined with that.  

To me they were both the same.

I would also like to point out.  I don’t know how other people feel about their mother,

When I think back to he earliest sages of my life, and knowing the type of person that I am now I am an very emotional person, and I am sure I was a very emotional child but in the same light and the same thought of that. I felt a bond toward my mother at a very early age.  

And I loved my mother deeply, I know most children probably do, but I don’t think at that beginning I could separate where she ended and I began.  And because of that emotional bond, I think, not to say that it was less traumatic for anyone else  in my family, but I think this darkness, that we are about to take you through was extremely traumatic on my body and my emotions because of my deep emotional feeling.

But I would like to defer to you mom, because I ‘m sure your darkness, when it slipped in, which was not on Christiana street because at that time You were 25 when I was 5 or 6 years old, can you tell me where your darkness started?

Barbara:  Well I’m a product of the depression. I too never had a solid place to live, my father was in the army and so we moved all the time.  I never spent two years in the same school. Sometimes I would start in one school and finish in another.

And though I had a rather normal growing up period, that part was not normal— Moving around. And Also I don’t know if you ever new this, Bridgette, but I had been sexually abused when I was about the same age you that you saw me have that epileptic seizure. Which by the way I have never seen anyone have an epileptic seizure, I have been , had many my self but I have never seen one, and those are grand mall seizures and  I understand they are pretty horrific to see.  My dark stages began, I would say with the sexual abuse.  It made me a different person, and it continued.

Once the enemy of our souls has a little handle on our lives he continues to expand that and he did. he worked in my life to continue to make it worse.  And I think that it has to do with the kind of spouse that I chose, and with the…  I don’t know how much had to do with the seizures.  My grandmother was also epileptic; in fact she died in an insane asylum so we see that things come down the line, generations through generation as God’s word says it will.

Probably my dark, dark ages started on Christiana the same as Bridgette  that is where I started drinking and the caring on and the not able to do anything and not beging myself.  And that is where the epileptic seizures began to accelerate and then I be came ill physically with ulcers from the drinking, and I too could not tell you which came first the chicken or the egg.

All of my drinking, as matter of fact had nothing to do with going out and having a good time. All of it was trying to escape with the person that I was because I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t cope with life the way I found it . The way it was for me.

Bridgette:  I am curious, because one does not just take a drink and say I think, “I’ll become an alcoholic,” can you explain a little about that? Do you remember?

Barbara: I remember the first time that it dawned on me that I might be an alcoholic, and this was way before I had heard of Alcoholics Anonymous or anything and I kept drinking after that. I had already had nervous breakdown I had already gone through shock treatment, an everything else. And I was home from the hospital and finally able to go out in the car and go to the grocery store.

And go to the grocery store and next to the grocery store there as a liquor store, and stopped and bought a bottle of Beef Eaters gin and I brought that home with me and I hid that in the garage.  

And right there I know that I know, that I knew then, I got to hide this, this is not right. But I kept drinking, and kept denying even to myself that I had a problem

Bridgette:  The very name of gin brings up emotion for me and I would like to tell our listeners that my mother and I have taken this journey before ,we have taken it many times sometimes with each other and sometimes with others and we had to because we had to back and we had  to get healing and we had to ask forgiveness.  And all though this journey is one that we have taken before and we have been healed from it. it does not necessarily mean that it does not bring up feelings for us, I just hear the name of gin and I am  feel tears well up in side of me.  I hear about mom hiding the gin and I feel eight years old again, and even though I have been healed, that is still a part of who I am.

 And I applaud my mother.    

I know that telling this story is very, very difficult.

I know as a mom, that if I hurt my child or caused pain to my child that would be difficult enough, but to relive it or to be talking  about with to other people and having to relive it is like a death a thousand times over. We can do this because we have been healed and we have gone there before.  And because I think god has just laid his hand on our lives.

Barbara: I too when you talk about your side of that,
Tears on in my eyes right now thinking about my little girl. In fact if I ‘m not careful I would break into tears. Even though as you said, we are both healed.
It  is bringing up these past memories, again one more time. That is hard on us, it is not easy to go back and to expose ourselves to, I don’t’ know how many people will be listening to this broadcasts.

It is hard for me to be that vulnerable in front of that many people although as bride did say we have been vulnerable in front of other people. Although we have been vulnerable before other people.

Because you have to, you have to make yourself open and honest and admit your mistakes and what you have done wrong and be ready…

Bridgeee did mention forgiveness. I have to say that is one of the biggest qualities that I would pass on to my children and grandchildren— Is forgiveness  

If you can’t forgive you are going to live in bitterness or anger or whatever, but you will never get healed if you don’t forgive. Our Jesus said it best, he said,  “forgive and you will be forgiven.”

Forgive and you will be forgiven
But it took me so many, many, many years to forgive myself, My kids forgave me. But I could not forgive myself for the pain that I caused them.

Bridgette: Let me give you some more background, the house that both my mother and I loved, my father was a builder and decided to build a house for my mother with his own loving hands, and the house was sold and we moved.  It was a traumatic experience for both my mother and I. For myself because I had friends there, because I loved that house, and Grand Island was out in the country, I did not know anybody.

As life became more difficult to handle as a child I was put in another situation
Grand Island represents, I’m sure it is a wonderful place to me, but
Grand Island represents the beginning of the most deepest part of my hell and my pain that I could go through and I am sure you feel the same way about leaving that house mom, what you can remember?

Barbara: Oh yes, when I had to move to Grand Island that only exacerbated the condition that I was already in and made me all the more anxious and nervous and ready to escape in anyway. That is where the deepest, darkest, loneliest part of my walk began was on Grand Island. It was not easy.

Bridgette: I also go back to another term that brings shivers up my spine and that is the idea of shock treatment. I know that you had to have this shock treatment.  What little I know it is to help erase memories, things that will cause you such pain and to cause you to slump back into where you were.

But to me, my mom I have lost a part of my mother through shock treatment
We can go over some thing here, we will try go through this darkness. There are many things both good and bad that she will never remember.

Barbara: That is right there are a lot of food things that I can’t remember. They are erased

I can’t remember your brother’s first communion. If I wouldn’t see pictures of it I would never even know he made his first holy communion.  Shock treatment is a horrendous thing. I understand they are not using it much anymore If at all I don’t know it is horrendous to go through. It causes offal things in your body and mind and immediately afterwards, and for the rest of your life. It stays with you

For the rest of your life it stays with you.  However, I was at a place where I was just in a place where I could not escape the darkness anymore, on my own anymore.  I could not escape the darkness get out of it and the only way out was to shock to shock me out of it and that is what happened.

Bridgette: When I reminisce of my childhood and some of my play toys. I had the yellow tray, the water container, and all of these medicine cups that my mom would save and bring home to me, though it was great that I could have a little tea party there was appoint, because I had so many. I had 7 or 8 yellow containers or 7 or 8 trays and this representation of these plastic items that came and where once toys, now came a representation of losing my mom.

I think there was one point that you were in the mental ward, weren’t  you mom?

Barbara: Yes,

Bridgette: And at that point I think you made me moccasins.

Barbara:[laughter}  Yes I did , yes I did I don’t know how they turned out , Did they fit you babe?

Bridgette: They did fit me. I barely remember the moccasins but what I remember the most is my anger of things not being the way they should be.  I remember that gram  , some of my nieces refer to her as grama sugar, which is my mothers mother and I know we will be talking about in future podcasts as she had a tremendous amount of faith.  But I remember her being there and she asked me to do something. I don’t remember what it was to pick up a sleeping bag or something. And I just looked at her and all of my rage from all of the years came out and I just let her have it. I told her that  I did not want her there that she did not belong in our house, that I hated h er that I wish she would go away.
o.k. Here comes the tears.
Your turn mom.

Barbara: Well, that is certainly understandable that you certainly would have so much anger. But I can picture my mother my mother went rough her own kind of darkness.

I saw a picture of her the other day, and she is standing in her kitchen in her old house, this was in earlier years, she looks so confused, so bewildered. I think

I can’t stand to look at this picture, because of the way my mother looks in it. Now here comes my teares. She just is out of it as if she is carrying on the best she can, and it would be like her. And I can understand you being angry, and saying “I hate you, you don’t belong here.” Because  she didn’t! I belonged there.  It was my place to see you doing the right things not hers.

And yet I know how she would respond to that.  She has gone home to be with the Lord now, and

I still miss her, I still miss her.

Bridgette:
And I sense that even then. No one knew what to do in that situation. It was beyond anybody’s control, and I can only imagine what it was like for your parents to see you there and to want you to be better either with their anger, their wishing their or their  hopes and prayers trying to pray you better trying to make you better

And nobody could make the situation better, but God even eventually.

Barbara: To tell you the truth I went to AA in 1972 and my mother was down visiting my bother in Washington, DC and the very day that I went to AA

She had been to church a Catholic church and had lit a one of those candles and for her to light a dollar candle  was a big deal, she didn’t light one of those small little votive candles, she lit a dollar candle.  And she prayed for me,
I called her the next day to tell her that I had gone to Alcoholic Anonymous and she stated crying over the phone from Washington because she knew she had apart of it through her prayers

As Bridgette had said earlier she was a strong women of faith, she believed an dhse has passed it down as an inheritance to me to my children and my grandchildren and we are the beneficiaries of that strong gift of faith

Bridgette: I can see were w are in 1972 and I want to go back to a few things on grand island. We are also running long in this podcast we will have to continue it in the next one

We reveal these things again, because if there is any who listening who is experiencing any pain that is similar or that is deep that feels hopeless, I can tell you that God can reach you where you are,

Not only can he reach you were you are but there is a scripture that says he will restore what the locust has eaten. And I can stand on that scripture because that is exactly what he has done with our family.  We have so many wonderful stories to share on how he utilized …

All things work together for good to those who know the lord. He took what we were in, and our pain and used it to his glory and to help many people we would not be here to day expressing this and being vulnerable and helping other women I had we not gone through it ourselves, and

Mom, I would like to ask if you would  say a little prayer for those people who are listening who might need some hope.

Barbara:  Again, Again, my heart always reaches out to the hurting women and I do under your might hand and the power of your spirit and the name of your holy son. I reach out to everyone woman who is listening.

She can’t being to imagine that women that is listening that is in that dark place, that even even tough we are healed we still have tears

She can’t begin to imagine

But Father, I ask that your spirit reach out and touch her in the deepest part of her.  And show her that

She too, can be healed; can find a way into wholeness, health and happiness and joy and acceptance and peace
Even though today it feels impossible for her, she too can find a way to that, through you.

I thank you father that you answer every prayer that we pray.  And I thank you that this is sprit lead prayer and that your spirit is going to take it to where it belongs, right where it need to be  to be to each heart that is listening. I thank you Father

Bridgette: Amen. I thank you mom for taking time to do  this with me and I ask our listeners to be back with us, we are just beginning this journey.

I hope that it is touching you.  I hope that it is helping you. We would like to remind you that our sponsor is god’s word collectible gifts it is great to collect gods word in your heart and its wonderful to give  gods word as a gift. Please frequent our sponsor at www.godsword.net
I love you mom thank you very much.
I love you mom

Barbara: I love you darling. God bless!

Bridgette: Blessings and blossoms

Announcer:
You are listening to the inspirational channel featuring topics that reflect on faith and the spiritual side of life.  Brought to you by God’s Word collectible sculptures found at www.godsword.net
Give God’s word as a gift.

Collect Gods word in your heart.